Blarg! A whine without cheese.
Aug. 1st, 2012 01:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kitewithfishI am feeling depressed and kind of mean. I am not working, and I haven't found a job yet. Which, by the way, is ridiculous to be angry about! Because I've been trying for about 2 weeks, most of which have been dealing with immigration and the aftermath of moving and graduating from a really reall really ridiculously difficult school.
I don't even have the RIGHT to feel annoyed at this point. Because it's really functionally not been very long at all. And it was foolish of me to be upset in the first place, because I have a place to leave and money and someone who works to provide both of us with these things. So I don't have the right to be depressed.
But I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore, when I used to have something that ate up my days and made me feel valuable and good at something. I have nothing to pin my ego on except my housework, and it just grates against me to let my brain make the comparison. But it's making it without my permission. And I really rather suck at housework.
I just... I had expected to have a job by now. I had expected to be doing something related to my main goal career right now. And I'm not, and that kind of sucks.
While at the same time I feel completely ashamed at being so at sea about it, because many many people have it much much much tougher than I do, and manage to do something amazing and support themselves. It's just. I haven't learned how to do that yet. And I hate not knowing how to do something.
So, pardon my self indulgence- I will be getting off my butt and making contact with people, and getting out and having a life and deciding to do cool things. But I needed to wallow aloud a bit first.
I don't even have the RIGHT to feel annoyed at this point. Because it's really functionally not been very long at all. And it was foolish of me to be upset in the first place, because I have a place to leave and money and someone who works to provide both of us with these things. So I don't have the right to be depressed.
But I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore, when I used to have something that ate up my days and made me feel valuable and good at something. I have nothing to pin my ego on except my housework, and it just grates against me to let my brain make the comparison. But it's making it without my permission. And I really rather suck at housework.
I just... I had expected to have a job by now. I had expected to be doing something related to my main goal career right now. And I'm not, and that kind of sucks.
While at the same time I feel completely ashamed at being so at sea about it, because many many people have it much much much tougher than I do, and manage to do something amazing and support themselves. It's just. I haven't learned how to do that yet. And I hate not knowing how to do something.
So, pardon my self indulgence- I will be getting off my butt and making contact with people, and getting out and having a life and deciding to do cool things. But I needed to wallow aloud a bit first.
