![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I am beginning to wonder if I am stranger than I thought.
Caveat: I am trying not to be judgmental of myself or of anyone else in the following paragraphs, and I mean to invite discussion and comment. Feel free to disagree with me- because this conversation is actually one in which I would welcome someone who thinks differently to voice their opinion, because I am kind of confused about some things.
So, if I am hurt or annoyed by something a friend of mine does, either I forgive them for it in private without talking to them about it and don't harbor resentment over it OR, I tell them that I'm angry or hurt and why. I feel like relationships are damaged by unvoiced anger and resentment, and I feel that once I voice my hurt, my friend will try and explain why they did what they did, and perhaps apologize if necessary. People I can be friends with are often the kind of people who, while that kind of open conversation may not be their habit of communication, they can step into it if it I need them to. Once they explain or apologize, I accept it, and when I'm able to stop being mad at them, I tell them that I forgive them. ( Not before I stop being mad. After.)
The people that I don't talk to about my feelings of being hurt or annoyed are people I don't care too much about. I am willing to write these people off as being people, for one reason or another and with no condemnation or real dislike, I am probably not going to be deep friends with. Colleagues, acquaintances, or in the same group of friends? - No problem, we'll be courteous and even have fun together. I am not going to feel comfortable talking to them about my frustrations with my life/family/SO/job/whathaveyou, and that's fine. If they hurt my feelings, I may never tell them about it, and I may stay mad at them, but likely they are not people who are important to my life, so it's not something that eats at me.
Here's where the system breaks down: A few times in my life, I have discovered that a friend of mine was mad at me and did not tell me.
And this confuses me greatly, because my relationship with my friends seems very much to be driven by the ability to confront each other and forgive each other. So when I find out that a friend has been hurt or upset by something I did, and stayed upset or hurt, and not confronted me about it and called me on it, I felt hurt.
I felt like a) I had done something really, really wrong that they could not tell me about. (which was generally not the case.) and b) I was confused as to how they dealt with conflict with their friends if not through open discussion. What makes someone a friend, if you can't tell them how they made you feel?
So, dear readers, (those of you who have born with my prattling this long), I am somewhat interested in knowing how this reads to you- Does this behavior read to you as unusually confrontational? If a friend of yours does something that unintentionally offends or hurts you, what's your process for handling it? Does confronting a friend feel like an affront to your friendship? or does it feel like a duty? Or a really uncomfortable chore, but something you do have to do?
Caveat: I am trying not to be judgmental of myself or of anyone else in the following paragraphs, and I mean to invite discussion and comment. Feel free to disagree with me- because this conversation is actually one in which I would welcome someone who thinks differently to voice their opinion, because I am kind of confused about some things.
So, if I am hurt or annoyed by something a friend of mine does, either I forgive them for it in private without talking to them about it and don't harbor resentment over it OR, I tell them that I'm angry or hurt and why. I feel like relationships are damaged by unvoiced anger and resentment, and I feel that once I voice my hurt, my friend will try and explain why they did what they did, and perhaps apologize if necessary. People I can be friends with are often the kind of people who, while that kind of open conversation may not be their habit of communication, they can step into it if it I need them to. Once they explain or apologize, I accept it, and when I'm able to stop being mad at them, I tell them that I forgive them. ( Not before I stop being mad. After.)
The people that I don't talk to about my feelings of being hurt or annoyed are people I don't care too much about. I am willing to write these people off as being people, for one reason or another and with no condemnation or real dislike, I am probably not going to be deep friends with. Colleagues, acquaintances, or in the same group of friends? - No problem, we'll be courteous and even have fun together. I am not going to feel comfortable talking to them about my frustrations with my life/family/SO/job/whathaveyou, and that's fine. If they hurt my feelings, I may never tell them about it, and I may stay mad at them, but likely they are not people who are important to my life, so it's not something that eats at me.
Here's where the system breaks down: A few times in my life, I have discovered that a friend of mine was mad at me and did not tell me.
And this confuses me greatly, because my relationship with my friends seems very much to be driven by the ability to confront each other and forgive each other. So when I find out that a friend has been hurt or upset by something I did, and stayed upset or hurt, and not confronted me about it and called me on it, I felt hurt.
I felt like a) I had done something really, really wrong that they could not tell me about. (which was generally not the case.) and b) I was confused as to how they dealt with conflict with their friends if not through open discussion. What makes someone a friend, if you can't tell them how they made you feel?
So, dear readers, (those of you who have born with my prattling this long), I am somewhat interested in knowing how this reads to you- Does this behavior read to you as unusually confrontational? If a friend of yours does something that unintentionally offends or hurts you, what's your process for handling it? Does confronting a friend feel like an affront to your friendship? or does it feel like a duty? Or a really uncomfortable chore, but something you do have to do?
