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Deeply Schmoopy Things
Jun. 13th, 2010 01:55 pmI want to make a point of something at this moment. And, normally, this is not a journal that's really *about* my personal life in the full details and it's not normally where I talk about that particular manner in which I am a deeply goofy kind of girl, but I want to take moment to say something.
I am so terrifyingly in love right now.
This has not happened to me before. And I'm vividly aware, that I should attempt to retain some distance, that letting myself indulge like this is probably dangerous, that I should stand off a little and make sure that I'm taking good care of myself here.
And in some senses, this is a kind of a stupid thing to let myself do. He's foreign, so travel is hard and heartwrenching and necessary. He's going to be getting his degree in a year, while I still have two years, so he's either going to have to find a job or leave the country or marry me, which is something that I kind of REALLY WANT but I am forcing myself to pace myself on that. Except that I'm not and I'm already researching marriage customs for the wedding ohsweetchrist I've gone ROUND THE BEND.
Which leads to the other stuff, which is that love is TERRIFYING. He could leave. He could change his mind. He could become so central to my world that I allow myself to be warped (and he's atheist and I'm studying Christianity so, hi, issues there!). He could sign up to be a forever kind of guy and then pull the rug out from under me. ALL THIS SHIT COULD HAPPEN. And I know that it's happened to other people.
But. Just for now. I'm going to sit back, stick my nose under his ear, and enjoy how good it feels to be wanted, to be cared for, to be looked after, to have my opinion really matter to someone seriously, to know someone this closely and this well.
So, fear, fuck you and fuck off.
I'm going to bask.
I am so terrifyingly in love right now.
This has not happened to me before. And I'm vividly aware, that I should attempt to retain some distance, that letting myself indulge like this is probably dangerous, that I should stand off a little and make sure that I'm taking good care of myself here.
And in some senses, this is a kind of a stupid thing to let myself do. He's foreign, so travel is hard and heartwrenching and necessary. He's going to be getting his degree in a year, while I still have two years, so he's either going to have to find a job or leave the country or marry me, which is something that I kind of REALLY WANT but I am forcing myself to pace myself on that. Except that I'm not and I'm already researching marriage customs for the wedding ohsweetchrist I've gone ROUND THE BEND.
Which leads to the other stuff, which is that love is TERRIFYING. He could leave. He could change his mind. He could become so central to my world that I allow myself to be warped (and he's atheist and I'm studying Christianity so, hi, issues there!). He could sign up to be a forever kind of guy and then pull the rug out from under me. ALL THIS SHIT COULD HAPPEN. And I know that it's happened to other people.
But. Just for now. I'm going to sit back, stick my nose under his ear, and enjoy how good it feels to be wanted, to be cared for, to be looked after, to have my opinion really matter to someone seriously, to know someone this closely and this well.
So, fear, fuck you and fuck off.
I'm going to bask.
