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This is A Problem

Ok, Iphys broke my brain and now I can't listen to any music without thinking about if it belongs on a Supernatural Fandom Soundtrack.

"Goodnight, Saigon" by Billy Joel - OBVIOUSLY YES - Isolation? Violence? Indoctrination into a special group of soldiers? the fleeting kinship of brothers in arms? The trauma of war with the comfort of friendship? the inherent homoeroticism of manly bonds strengthed by the constant threat of loss? YES.

"Maybe Angels" by Sheryl Crowe - Duh.

Selections from The Last Five Years (Original Broadway Cast)? YES

Entry tags:

A Supernatural Rec List

Supernatural is dead! Long live Supernatural!

At long last, Supernatural, the show, has passed from this mortal veil.

The canon is closed - nothing more can be added, nor can anything be taken away.

The last queer has been baited, the last woman murdered for stupid reasons.

The power to change these characters has passed from the hands of their creators, into the hands of the fans.

My last word to the writers: Thank you. But also, fuck you.

Let's have some fic recs!

***

Title: Nothing Is Left of My Voice in My Mouth by Iphys
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27511255
Author Summary: It would be weird, he decides. Kissing Cas. Post 15x18. Dean imagines what it would be like.

Why I Love It: I helped beta this! - it is a tight and deadly and lifegiving addendum to the post- 15X18 body of work. The post date is important! This was written before the series ended, before 15X19. It is heartbreaking and lovely and everything Iphys writes is worth a read.

***

Title: Cinderwings by bendingsignpost
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12847041
Author Summary: Under the cover of a masquerade ball, Castiel has five nights to recover the key to his people's freedom. The world has changed greatly in the six centuries since their banishment into the void, but the task isn't impossible. Unfortunately for Castiel, this is going to involve talking to people - especially the Knight Prince who has taken an interest in Castiel and his "costume" wings.(Destiel Cinderella AU)

Why I Love It: This is a mostly-Castiel POV fic, set in a fantasy world where Dean is a knight prince and angels were accidentally banished to a void world hundreds of years ago. Castiel is anxious and kind and goal-oriented while also being a bit swept off his feet with Dean's attentions. He's lying by omission, on a mission to save his people, but he's also met this person who has the power to give him what he needs to do that - and who is also just, a wonderful person who he's immediately attracted to. It's wonderful and interesting and the magical system is twisty and there is also a LOT of great plot that adds depth to the characters. Iphys rec'd this to me while we were waiting for Supernatural to air its final episodes and it is a wonderful comforting fic that I also think it just a great take on Cinderella. It's got some heft to it- highly, highly recommend.

***

Title: r/supernatural by renrub
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27626783
Author Summary:
whatbaby
[checks post history] uh… is this the m30s friend that everyone thought was your boyfriend?

LiketheGun79
Yes but that's not relevant

Dean's on Reddit.

Why I Love It: Supernatural is a world where the mundane world is portrayed as safe and ignorant of the monsters that could hurt them. To have knowledge of the monsters usually means trauma and suffering and sometimes death - almost all hunters in the show become hunters as revenge for the death of a family member. As a result of this, we get a lot of 'Hunters Idealizing Suburban Life,' and very little outside view of the Winchesters. This fic is 100% outside view of Dean's life, and everyone's just like, 'damn girl you live like this?" DEAN IS ON REDDIT. He is an INTERNET CRYPTID! He asks for family advice and people tell him to maybe consider whether his dad abused him! He asks about parenting! He asks about relationship advice! People think he's in the mob! They think that he should date Castiel! It's so good. It's so, so good.

***

Title: And This, Your Living Kiss by opal_bullets
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18083927
Author Summary: Only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet Jack Allen is just Kansas mechanic Dean Winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. Not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen.

Until, that is, a string of coincidences leads Dean to auditing a poetry course with one Dr. Castiel Novak. The professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia's foremost expert on the poetry of Jack Allen.

Why I Love It:This is a fic about poetry by someone who loves poetry, loves writing, loves the deep knowledge of the craft, and has NO PATIENCE AT ALL for assholes who want to gatekeep or make writing pretentious. It's so sweet and loving and about being a queer kid and how the kindness of a few people can be transformative when you have nothing to rely on. This fic was a gift. I learned so much about poetry, I think the characterization is spot on, the romance is slow and sweet and deft. Also, it includes a GREAT survey of the wonderful cast of minor characters that Supernatural has pulled together over the years, and it really does a wonderful job of giving them all personality and value and heft. I love Literature Professor Missouri Mosley, I love foster parent Sam Winchester... This fic was raft in a sea of sadness.

***

Title: Good One's Gonna Be by remmyme
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12127812
Author Summary: Castiel Novak receives a rather alarming text message from an unknown number, and what started as a simple misdial quickly turns into the greatest friendship Castiel has ever known. But Dean has many secrets, dangerous truths about the life he lives, and would like to tell Castiel exactly none of them.A (slightly) AU, (mostly) text fic, S3 fix-it romance (of sorts).

Why I Love It: This hits my delight in outsider POV's Supernatural, while also being a fun read, showing how Castiel, Normal Human, might encounter Dean Winchester (season 3 version), and how that might change his life. One thing I adore about this fic is that it takes Season Three and says, NOPE, FIXING THAT. This is the version of Dean who is facing down a year to live, and who never expected to fall in love over goddamn text with someone he's never actually met. But he does. And it's awful, because he expects to just be a scar in Castiel's life, a dead end that never got a chance, and Castiel is like - Yeah, fuck that.

***

Tiny note - I am also reading With Understanding by apokteino, but since I have not finished this truly massive fic, I am not going to rec it yet. It's 450K, and I have read 40% in 48 hours. God help me. It's so good.

Entry tags:

Quick updates! Today is a good day to be bisexual and not die!

I have been less active because, in the wake of the ending of Supernatural (boo! and also hiss!) I have found that Tumblr fandom also kind of rose from its grave to have one last absurd hurrah, so I've been reblogging an absurd amount of stuff there.

Supernatural feels:
(relatively spoiler free)

The ending was like the pilot run in reverse - they packed the boys up and put them on the shelf like toys they were finished playing with, instead of characters who'd had fifteen years of development. The ending feels like a tragedy, but was portrayed as a happily ever after.

In the end, the last three episodes and the story behind the vaunted love confession of 15X18 have convinced me that much of the elements of the show that I loved was created by accident. It was not written for me. The creators had absolutely no idea who their audience was, or what made their show great in the eyes of so many.

I have been watching this show, on and off, for 11 years. I started watching in college, I know exactly which episode I saw first, I have felt joy and hope and despair and euphoria and righteous anger at this show for years.

Going forward: Inspired by the podcast Still Pretty, a "fully spoiled Buffy podcast" that brings in analysis from all over the Buffy cinematic and comics universe, I have started a re-watch with my dear friend, and we are rewatching from Supernatural from the pilot onwards. It's deeply fun! My friend has never watched horror movies, so the elements of that genre in the early series are very much my area of expertise. I'm also reading a bunch of things that were inspirational for the show's creators.

Real Life:
A birthday was had! It involved a surprise Zoom party, which, uh, was fine, because I was spoiled for it by the considerate people in my life who understand that I do not like surprises! But the main activity of the party was very fun. I got a lovely mug from my sister, as well as a NEW KINDLE from my dear husbeast. This one has the power to just download fic directly from AO3, a power which I have craved mightily in the past

Thanksgiving, which usually falls on the week of my birthday and is therefore My Holiday, was a bit sad. The parents rightfully had cancelled the family meal months ago and each of our little households cooked separate meals and chatted on a vidcall after. It was a lovely meal and we're still eating the leftovers, but. Well. A bit sad.

I have not been sleeping super well recently, but I made some minor changes last night and I woke up not feeling groggy or gross or tired! It's a lovely change.

I think I might go thru my recent reading history and pick a few fics to share.

hahahahahahahahaba

FUCK YEAH AND FUCK TRUMP

gonna go cry now

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I feel rather tense just now.

~~AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~

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I had a lovely weekend! Which, unfortunately, is now over.

I had a friend visit and come and hang out for several days, and since we've been in lockdown and she's had a covid test, we dispensed with the precautions for her visit and just had a chance to hang out. It was exquisitely normal.

Because we haven't had anyone over for months and months and months, we went a bit overboard on the food prep, but, damn, it was delicious and wonderful and such fun.

And now I'm just kind of down, welp, this is probably going to be a difficult week either way.

I have some wonderful reading ahead of me, and some wonderful people to talk to, and I'm going to ignore as much possible for a while.

Mechanical keyboards

I'm going down a mechanical keyboard rabbithole....

I really, really do not need to spend $250 human dollars on an ortholinear keyboard to play with. It's not a good idea. I don't need to do that.

~~BUT I WANT TO~~

This is Not A Drill

Alex51324 has written more Downton Abbey fic!

Title: But Among Our Own Selves We'll Be Free, or, Thomas and the Island of the Gays - (Note: WIP)
Author: Alex51324
Fandom: Downton Abbey (thru series 6, and the 2019 film)
Link: at AO3
Characters: Thomas Barrow, Richard Ellis Loads of OC's from previous stories,
Author's Summary:
After the Jimmy incident, and a harrowing attempt at conversion therapy, Thomas finds himself in a most unusual community. In which Thomas:

• Participates in an Edwardian Queer Studies seminar

• Goes camping

• Takes up journalism

• And most importantly, makes friends.

Why I love it: Alex51324 has been writing Thomas Barrow fic for years, I have been reading their fic for years, and it is always a goddamn delight. This is a work in progress (which usually means that it's already written and they are posting it in chapters, so I feel okay reccing it in its current state) and it's GREAT and delightful and if you read Halo Effect and Soldier's Heart and were at all grieved by the OC's who did not make it thru the Great War, they are all here and they are all having an excellent time!

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I regret to inform that I have started reading Peace Talks by Jim Butcher. God have mercy on us all.

Sigh, Dresden Files - why.

I recently realized that 2020 gave the world two novels in the Dresden Files series by Jim Butcher, and since I was three behind, I decided to read some of them, and see if I could get over the elements of the novels that ruined my enjoyment of them.

Answer: not really.

This probably has spoilers for Skin Game but not the books from 2020, since I have not gotten those from the library yet.
( Read more... )

Actually, just some recs - videos, stickers, stuff

Some things I have found interesting and helpful in my recent Hunkered Down phase:

- Maggie Mae Fish's video essay, Cats and the Weird Mind of TS Eliot, which is an really interesting look at TS Eliot as a person, his politics, and how his world view influenced his writing. A lot of the excepts from his writing here made me think about Cats the Musical in new ways, and while I still haven't seen the Tom Hooper film (and maybe never will), this seems like an entertaining and funny short examination of Eliot as a person.

-Three related things:

Naomi Novik's new YA novel, A Deadly Education, which I really enjoyed and thought was had some really interesting worldbuilding. I have been reading Novik's published work for years and I have also really liked her fanfic under her pen name Astolat.
the accompanying episode of the Be the Serpent podcast, Ep 71: Back to School, about magical schools (note: No spoilers for A Deadly Education, some discussion of JK Rowling's transphobic shittiness in the Hogwarts part), - which is a in-depth and loving discussion of magical schools in literature and fic and how they function and the tropes around them. I really enjoyed Novik's thoughts on Harry Potter's wizarding world as wish-fulfillment writing for a single mom who wanted to give their child the experience of being able to buy anything they wanted.
For the commentary, I wanted to include this one-star GoodReads review of A Deadly Education which talks about some issues with the depiction of the multicultural elements of the school (Some spoilers for early elements of the book but nothing major). I think the notes in this review are accurate - the one passage about the minor demons that infest dreadlocks is WILDLY tonedeaf and completely out of left field, AND, I also didn't notice it when I was reading. Some of the other elements mentioned in this review are more open to interpretation and I'm a fan of this author, so I read them more charitably, but I don't think there's any denying that they are part of the book and might be dealbreakers.

-The Granada Sherlock Holmes Series - All on youtube, shhhh This was a re-watch for me, but there's something very calming just now about re-watching stories that I know will end with justice.

-Bande Washi Tape Stickers - Goldfish - These are just really damned cute. Since I'm doing a lot of Important Covid Time Journaling TM, I have been really enjoying just adding some stickers to upcoming pages of my notebook in advance of hitting those pages. I also have this brand of stickers with tulips, assorted garden and dandelion flowers. It's making me happy and chill.

Real Life Update, and a book rec

So, after my vacation I hunkered down - I was having a rough time getting up the energy to reach out to people. I fell out of posting here, I fell out of being involved in much of anything, and while I was still in contact with close friends on some small discords and text threads, I didn't quite realize how very out of the loop I was. Unless something was a scheduled in advance and recurring, I didn't do it. I was in Bare Minimum Mode.

Some of that seems to have lifted a bit - I realized around the same time that a number of other people in my life were also talking about having struggles - that hitting/passing the six-month crisis mark was has been rough for a lot of people. Reading this thread by Dr. Aisha Ahmad kind of put things into focus: "I *always* hit a wall 6 months into a tough assignment in a disaster zone. The desire to "get away" or "make it stop" is intense." (It's a good and hopeful thread, I promise, give it a read.)

Anyhoo, I have started to pull out of it, I think. Work still seems a little pointless, but I knocked a few things off my to-do list that have been lingering there like zombies for a while, so that's motivating me to do more on that front.

I read Naomi Novik's A DEADLY EDUCATION over last weekend, and that was kind of the thing that really kicked me out of my funk. Partially because I follow a podcast called Be The Serpent, and they did a whole episode talking about magical schools with Novik as a guest star, so I got to listen to the author talk about what had got her excited about it. I might to a larger post about it on its own - strong recommend, some caveats, and reading other reviews that have made me think about elements that I didn't catch the first time.

But one thing I really liked as, in the last third of the book, the main character realizes she can move out of a position of being an outsider and afraid and evaluating the people around her as a potential threats, to trusting some select people to be worth keeping, as people who will have her back. And that felt like a mindset that I really, really recognized from high school and is often my default stage when I'm low on energy - thinking of people as a potential source of demands rather than actual friends. It's shit, and I'm glad to be a bit further out of it.

Rec me something!

I'm about to go on a long weekend away where I will have no internet. I'm bringing a stack of books, but I would also love fanfic recommendations!

I have a lot of fandoms in my profile page for suggestions, I am happy to read outside my own fandoms if the writing is good, and I am honestly interested in a lot of things. (no hard trigger warnings, tho generally not a fan of

It would be nice if it's on AO3 so I can easily download it, but beyond that, free for all!

So send me your suggestions!

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The weather here has finally gotten chilly enough for me to pull out the down duvet, but not so cold I can't sleep with the windows open. In short, this is the perfect time of year and I will be attempting to ignore *gestures vaguely at the world* THAT to enjoy it.

I had a lovely bike ride this weekend thru some newly established bike lanes in my town - they are still just a bunch of cone blocking off traffic, but they are getting barriers soon. A distinct improvement.

Uh, I wrote a tome on how to take care of sad feets?

So, basic rundown - I have chronic tendonitis in my plantar fascia, the tendons that let you grab things with your toes, and that means I shop for shoes with the following in mind a) pain mitigation via padding and b) supportive structures to keep my feet in good shape.

I wear, usually, a size 7 or 8 with an orthotic insert, but sometimes I can pull off a shoe that is a 6 wide if the shoe runs a bit roomy and I don't have to wear an orthotic with that design.
_______________________
Guidelines: American Podiatric Medical Association https://www.apma.org/Patients/content.cfm?ItemNumber=1108
_______________________________
Medical stuff:
NatraCure Cold Therapy Socks: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003L4WOKG/ - These are socks that have little cold packs that fit in pockets around the sock. They CANNOT be walked in, but they can be thrown into the freezer to chill you feet. You can remove all the ice packs that you don't need (I don't use the one on top of the toes, by example) and they are solidly great if you are supposed to be icing your feet. 9/10 (bc ugly)

Nice Stretch Night Splint: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G0N6JU/
This is not a walking boot, tho it looks like it - it's a night splint to keep your foot at an nice right angle while you sleep. It's actually one of the most comfortable I have used, primarily because it doesn't fuck around on giving you structure. All the elements are adjustable, it locks firmly and you can walk to the bathroom without taking it off, and you can put it on without strangling your leg. 9/10. (The little anti-slip skids on the bottom wear off in time)

Wooden Foot Roller: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000KK2RJC - the model doesn't really matter, what matters is that it has little rubber nonslip rings to keep it from splintering on hard surfaces, and it has a variety of good angles on how to use it. Ballet dancers use them - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nh9fdJftCE

Commercial Orthotic - https://www.suprememed.com/protech-full-length
These are the gold standard, there are similar ones for like $30 and they are NOT as good - these last about 6 months of daily wear in the Pre-Covid days.
_________________________________________________
Shoes:
Things I Wear Without an Orthotic: (mostly sandals and slippers - some of these sandals have recently been on sale, so worth looking at!)

Chaco Cloud Sandals: https://www.chacos.com/US/en/z-cloud-wide-width/28957W.html?dwvar_28957W_color=J107366W#cgid=women-footwear-sandals&prefn1=size&prefv1=6&prefn2=width&prefv2=Wide&start=1
These are hiking sandals, the straps are completely adjustable, and they are great in terms of arch support. I find that the "Cloud" base has more cushioning than the classic base, which I prefer for shock absorption. They have excellent arch support - I had to try a few sizes to get the right one for me, but if you are willing to try them on in person (or use some of mine to figure out the right fit) they are a good investment. AND, my sister who wears a size 7 can just buy a kid's size shoe and finds that those are as good in terms of quality for wear as the adults shoes, but about 40$ cheaper. Depends on your needs and taste.

Vionic Sandals - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07C1171Y7
Vionic is an orthotic brand - they bought Orthoheel, which previously made these shoes. They are more expensive than they are worth, BUT, you can get an flip flop that has actually good arch support. Their main problem is wear - the sole of the shoe loses arch support more quickly than other brands, so I mostly get these as casual sandals that I will wear for cute outfits, and flip flops for summer, but not for much outdoor use.

Powerstep Luxe Orthotic Slippers - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B077K6CCYN/
These slippers are made by the same brand that makes my orthotics -they are slippers with excellent arch support! This is honestly really great!
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Shoes I wear with Orthotics:

Keen Presidio - https://www.keenfootwear.com/p/W-PRESIDIO.html?dwvar_W-PRESIDIO_color=1023168&cgid=collections_presidio
Keen makes hiking boots and work boots, and these shoes have the most solid base I have ever worn. They also have excellent toe room. Honestly, they are my go-to for close toed shoes most days - slightly heavy, but very very good. I also have this shoe in an ankle boot form, and they make a Mary Jane I have not tried but it looks solid.

Timberland Bramhall Oxford - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B011L4V0K2
Slightly less solid base than the Keens, but still very good. I love the styling, and I wish they were still making them. The brand has some other shoes that are similar in style, but I haven't tried them yet. https://www.timberland.com/shop/womens-shoes#facet=ads_f14001_ntk_cs%253A%2522Oxfords%2522&beginIndex=0

Doc Martens: https://www.drmartens.com/us/en/p/22133001
The secret to wearing Doc Martens as non-punk shoes is 1) get models without contrast stitching or branded elements and b) polish the shit out of them. If you do those two things, you can get some really great shoes. They, sadly, generally cannot be resoled ,but they have a solidly good bouncy sole and a good style. These, I recommend with a slight reservation, in that the zipper tabs ripped off when I had worn them every day for almost a year, so I bought more zipper pulls and worn them into the ground.

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note to self - movie with taskmaster. coming up, how to show his power set and be clear about the limits of his powers. how movies need to keep the actual power sets that people have clear and not mix them up

Entry tags:

reading,
recs

I was googling a thing the other day

CW: animal harm? people harm? Not detailed.

Specifically, I was googling to find out how many days it's been since March 13th, and I didn't get further than "How many days since..." and Google autocompleted the phrase.

So, I think a lot of people are *done* with being in quarantine.

It's been 102 days since March 13th, by the way.

I fell off the Dreamwidth radar, mostly due to a case of The Sads (nonclinical, dog related).

We ended up having to send the dog back to the rescue league. She'd come in to them without a history, so they gave us the information they could about her behavior issues, but it turns out that she's actually not just food- and animal-aggressive; she's pretty aggressive across the board.

She bit me; it wasn't provoked by anything, and it came after an overall slow increase in aggressive behavior as she got more comfortable living with us. No stitches, but it broke skin and it could have been much worse if luck hadn't happened. I couldn't come off high-alert around her after that. We were not equipped for that level of aggression. So, back she went to the shelter, and I no longer have a dog. This was all covered in an f-locked post, but since I am REAL stringent about my access levels, most folks probably didn't see it. I was real fucking sad, friends. I hated having to make that call, even if it was the right one.

Quarantine life without a dog to give it some structure is really annoying, it turns out - I screwed up my sleep schedule and I'm working on getting back to normal there (reasonably good results) - I'm definitely exercising less. But, also, my anxiety levels are waaaay down, so maybe she was NOT a good fit for us.

I have some recs! I did read some excellent things!

Pro-fic:

Title: The Murderbot Diaries (series - Starts with the novellas All Systems Red (2018), then Artificial Condition, Rogue Protocol, and Exit Strategy (all 2018), then Network Effect (2020), with another novel planned for 2021. I do recommend reading them in order, but the novellas do a reasonably good job of starting
Freebie short story (prequel, does not give away main plot): https://www.wired.com/story/future-of-work-compulsory-martha-wells/
Link: http://www.marthawells.com/murderbot.htm
Author: Martha Wells
Summary: (All Systems Red) "On a distant planet, a team of scientists are conducting surface tests, shadowed by their Company-supplied 'droid -- a self-aware SecUnit that has hacked its own governor module, and refers to itself (though never out loud) as "Murderbot." Scornful of humans, all it really wants is to be left alone long enough to figure out who it is."

Why I love it: I deeply, deeply love Murderbot, as a protagonist, as a character, as the viewpoint on this larger world. Wells did an amazing job of putting us in the mindset of this person in this world, jaded and scared and trying to figure out what it WANTS, other than to be *left alone* by the weird humans who are treating it like a Real Person. Murderbot is profoundly competent and proficient within a certain field (protecting humans, dealing with semi-sentient technology, managing security systems that might be hunting it) and has a scathingly critical eye of people who are trying to do dumb things that compromise the safety of a client. Murderbot does *not* went to be a human being, thankyouverymuch, it just wants to not have to deal with all these damn FEELINGS that Other People have. Only other people. No one else.

Not to spoil too, too much - Murderbot's story is about recovery from trauma. (I'd say of the moral injury variety, but also a lot of dehumanization, because it is literally not human.) Murderbot is classified as equipment, despite the fact that it's sentient and has organic human components in its composition - and this story is about figuring out what 'being a person' would mean in a world where literally every other thing like it is literally equipment. So, content note for that; but since we see this world from Murderbot's viewpoint only, it never feels like that dehumanizing viewpoint is ever given any narrative weight - it's so clearly wrong that, as a reader, I was mostly furious on Murderbot's behalf.

If I had any notes about this series, it's that there's a pacing change between the novellas and the novel. That's not a flaw! The novel involves a larger cast, more complicated plot, and opens the point of view up a bit to several other characters. It's called Network Effect for a reason - Murderbot isn't running a solo mission a this point, and we actually get to see how the character grew internally and expanded their network of "their people." It's wonderful - Murderbot gets people who love it, as its flawed, devoted, twitchy, misanthropic self. I adore this series, and the novel is excellent - its pacing is different and that wasn't quite the ultraviolence popcorn that my brain wanted just then, so it was a bit slower.

I liked this series so much that I went and found Martha Wells's other series, Tales of Raksura, and I've finished the first book of that series and I'm into the second.

This is a post about the protests in Minneapolis and other cities.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I suspect I am not the only one - tho mine was caused by the restlessness of my own mind, and not by any of the real fears that other people were facing last night.

Let me put this briefly, just so you get where I stand:

Black Americans live in terror of the police. This fear is reasonable and grounded in lived reality.
The police are dangerous, aggressive, overarmed, and are largely not accountable to structures of restraints or of justice.
The police are frequently agents and tools of white supremacy.
Rioting is a legitimate form of protest, as is looting - they are both part of the long tradition of treating white property as more important than Black PEOPLE. Riots and looting can be avoided by changing the structures of injustice and white supremacy in the US.
Police like to push peaceful protests into riots - both by inserting their agents in to the crowd to incite violence, and by attacking people in large groups with hoses, gas, and nonlethal gunfire so that people panic and run and react with violence.

Police caused this. White supremacy caused this. To stop it, stop murdering Black people. To stop it, stop destroying Black communities. To help stop it, show up for protests, donate to help bail funds in your area, listen to Black leaders and consider their advice - today and every day.

The only way out is through.

A person I follow on Twitter lost an eye tonight because she was shot with a rubber bullet. She's funny and thoughtful and I didn't even know where she lived until last night. She's a photographer - she said this won't destroy her career. But she was shot in the eye last night, and will be half blind for the rest of her life, because she was at a protest and police shot into the crowd.

I found this Tweet about the rise of a specific form of brutality towards protesters, driving into crowds and ramming people with cars, to be a scary but useful window into tactics that right wing people consider useful. It's awful. I haven't watched the videos attached and I'm not going to.
https://twitter.com/AriWeil/status/1267271819817480193

I hope you are all well and safe this morning. I hope you are all well and safe tonight.

in which I am not a nurse

(Some content warnings: medical issues, broken skin, changing bandages, pain)

My first text of the day: I HATE STARTING MY DAY OFF CHANGING BANDAGES!

Husbeast's road rash is much better than it was, thankfully, and it's healing well. That due in part to the fact that I have changing his bandages every morning since it happened.

And today, I was dozy and forgot until after my shower and I had started my workday and he had to go, "Um, ahem. Bandages?"

And I went pretty much instantly from feeling professional and put together to feeling off balance and overwhelmed.

Changing his bandage is not technically hard - it's mostly just unwinding one ace bandage, carefully removing the gauze over the scraped skin (which is very slow because the gauze sticks and has to be dampened and then carefully peeled back), gently applying new neosporin ointment and new gauze, and then winding a new ace bandage around his arm. And as his skin has healed, there has been much less associated re-traumatizing the wound with each bandage change.

But here's the thing: I'm not a nurse - and while he's had injuries before, they were usually the kind that involve icing and elevation and pillows, and then later surgical incisions with clear instructions about how to manage them. Having a rough scrape down one forearm is actually pretty new territory for me.

Cleaning the wound immediately after his bike crash was a special kind of Screaming Awfulness, and changing the bandage has been a little dose of daily Screaming Awfulness. And he's not stoic (not that I want him to be or that he should be, to be clear) so he goes into this expecting to scream into a towel and I hate ever time that I screw up and pull at a scab and make him bleed again. We didn't figure out about using water to help the gauze unstick from the scabs until a couple of days ago.

So, now where we previously made the mistake of opening up the wounds by pulling the gauze off fast like a bandaid, I now have the prolonged awfulness of trying to damping the gauze in the areas where it is sticking to the wounds with a clean towel with clean water, then carefully pulling the gauze to see exactly where it sticks, putting more damp towel against the gauze, and trying to carefully pull the gauze back millimeter by millimeter, and repeating this step while he winces and squirms and bites a towel and asks me to go slower and more carefully at every step. It's clearly better for the wound care, but holy fucking hell, I hate this so much more now.

And, OBVIOUSLY, I want this to be as painfree for him as possible! I truly want his wound to heal well and to not bother him and to be free of infection! AND, I hate having to peel that gauze off more than anything else in the world right now. Because I'm hurting him, and I'm trying not to, and it's inevitable that the process *will* hurt and that I can't fix it and I have to keep going and hearing someone you love beg you and criticize you while you try to do something emotionally trying and physically complex at the same time? It's pretty sucky. I really wish I didn't have to do that part. I feel like a failure and it's incredibly frustrating and he ends up comforting ME at the end of hte process, which really makes me feel like a heel.

So, in short, anyone who is a caretaker - that's a fucking hard job. And the US should put a lot more money in to helping pay for in-home health care, because just this much is HARD and I can't imagine doing this for something more complicated.

The day is gently sunny and a dog is asleep on my foot

Some nice things are happening!

-Husbeast got his x-ray. His right arm has no damage to the bones - just some road rash and impact injury. His LEFT hand, however, took the brunt of his fall and has a small fracture in his trapezium, a bone at the base of the thumb. He'll be banned from lifting and carrying things and will need to wear a brace. Riding his bike is likely right out, which is sad because that was his main form of exercise. (The process of getting the x-ray was straight forward but nervewracking because it involved going to a hospital and therefore felt like a greater exposure than needed.)

-The belt-able leash works fine! It's a bit short for people who have as much circumference as us, particularly with the dog's harness set up that links to the leash on her chest, not her back. Husbeast ended up using his belt as an anchor and clipping the leash to that, but adjusting the length to be shorter than your average least. All in all, it seems to work well, and I won't be stuck doing 100% of the walks, just most of them.

-We took the dog up on a longish walk this morning to the nearby University on a hill to test the new leash, and it was so lovely that we laid out on the sunny side of the hill to bask. She actually sat down and flopped and enjoyed the sun a bit, and chewed gently on her tennis ball. It was lovely. I kind of wished I had brought her little grooming brush because it would have been ideal to help get her shedding fuzz off.

- We played some of the Jackbox Party games with some friends this week and it was delightful. I highly recommend them for parties over Zoom - there was a slight lag, but they were well curated and it was really fun to play with other people and not just stare at them.

-I found out that we actually have some peonies in the yard - since we just moved here I haven't identified everything yet. It's a nice surprise! I love peonies.